I Could Have
by Cleopatra Antoinette
Summary: "... But I didn't." A short ficlet about what happened to Seras and how she grew in the time before Alucard returned to Hellsing in the final manga book.


Just a short story told from Seras's POV of what happened in the 30 years after the aftermath of Millennium. It's mostly SerasXOC, but you could look at it as a SxA if you turn your head to the left and squint a little. It's an undertone. I might do one from Integra and Alucard's POVs later if I feel like it. For now, please enjoy.

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><p><strong>Could Have<strong>

Time spent alone gives one a great deal of time to think about one's actions. Well, perhaps 'alone' is the wrong word. I wasn't technically _alone_ after the war with Millennium ended- Sir Intergra was there, and there were always people about that I could chat with. New troops to be trained, construction workers rebuilding the Hellsing Manor (with new improvements; the Queen had been very generous with her gifts to the savior of England. Sir Integra was a modern day heroine), and of course, there was always Pip in my mind willing to give me a few filthy suggestions on how to use my spare time.

Rather, I felt as though I were a solitary figure on the wrong side of the river bank with no one to really talk to about things that I wondered as a Nosferatu. I was the only vampire in Hellsing then. You weren't there, my Master, Alucard. You were long gone to who knows where. I had no one to turn to for advice, no one to ask about how to use my powers. It was difficult learning to use all of the gifts that came to me. Some I learned faster than others. Some I nearly killed myself with. And sometimes I almost wished I had. I was so lonely, Master. So lonely.

I could have given up, you know. I could have decided to be mediocre and simply try to live. I could have decided that I didn't want to _be_ any longer, simply fade to the shadows.

I could have.

But I didn't.

After I mastered my own abilities, I realized for the first time what I was. I was strong. I was powerful. I was a true vampire. I wasn't as strong as you of course, Master. No, I would have to live for much longer to be that great. But I was your Childe, and I was terrible and wonderful in my ability.

I was tempted to leave Hellsing- You were gone, and I wasn't bound to you anymore in any case. Integra was my friend, but not my master. She could not have stopped me, and I don't think she would have tried. I could have lived on my own, become a No Life Queen, a true child of the darkness, just like you always wanted me to be.

But then I saw how the troops looked to me for help when they were broken, and I saw how Integra needed someone there to take some of the burden off her shoulders and I decided that being powerful and leaving could wait.

I could have.

But I didn't.

A few years later, there came a new group of recruits. They were mostly from London, survivors of that bloody night of death that you so loved. That damned night when we lost so much. The night that we lost you. This new group were strong, but nervous. They knew what vampires were. They knew what they did. So they were terrified of me. They wanted nothing to do with me.

I could have ignored them and let them go on with whatever they wanted. I could have. But I didn't.

One of them was named Michel. Michel Gallron. He was only twenty when he arrived. I remember it was his birthday and he had no family to celebrate it with. I remember because he told me later.

He told me lots of things after I saved his life one night. Oh, not all at once. Slowly. Over meals when he ate and I sat to keep him company. Over long car rides when we were waiting to go into battle. Over long walks around the grounds at night when the moon was full and beautiful.

He told me he loved me one December night, a few years after he had been there. He leaned forward to kiss me.

I could have said no. I could have denied him. I could have decided to remain with Pip's empty embraces of the mind and turned away the warm arms holding me and the eyes full of love. I could have stayed by myself without any ties of emotion, without having to worry about someone I loved being shot down like I was so used to. I could have listened to my caution and my fears and my concerns.

I could have.

But I didn't.

The years passed by both slowly and quickly after that. Slowly because the vampires that we hunted were only the low-powered pathetic ones that didn't know how to hide themselves or thought they were almighty. They were easily dispatched, and the powerful ones that would have been a threat were afraid of us and hid themselves so carefully we would never have found them without a huge slip-up on their part. Even if we had found them, I still might not have said anything and simply let them continue. I didn't have a problem with them unless they were sadistic and killed constantly. So time passed quickly because we had years of calm peace, although they were busy with the reconstruction of London and the government. But busy is not the same thing as hunting, and we had time to simply sit back and enjoy life as much as we could. Time is so slow when you want something to end, but good things end all to quickly. And so it passed both slowly and quickly.

Integra never married, as I'm sure you know, Master. No, she never married, but her father had an estranged younger sister who married and who had a twin boy and girl. Her aunt was killed in the war and her cousins came to live with us. They weren't exactly what I'd call a typical family, what with vampire hunting, the traumatic death of their parents, and their strange new world, but the three of them seemed to get along well enough. They made her laugh and smile more than I could, although I got her to relax more.

I think it was because of them that Integra actually allowed myself and Michal to be married. And we were, on his birthday, which was also the anniversary of his arrival to Hellsing. He was twenty-five. I was twenty-seven.

It was a small ceremony, just the two of us, Integra, some of our fellow officers, and of course the pastor. No honeymoon, just a week to ourselves in the house, but it was terrific and we were happy and everything seemed perfect.

I almost forgot about you then, Master, and the bloodshed and the chaos that was always around you. The death that you reveled in hardly seemed to touch us now. The blood that you adored flowed only rarely, and the corpses you delighted in seeing barely were seen.

In the contentment, I could have chosen to forget the blood and the screaming and the murder. I could have locked away the memories of the explosions, the screams, the tears, the pain, the loss, God, _the loss_.

I could have left behind the secret tears that I had cried those first nights you were gone. I could have given up on ever seeing you again, and lost the hope that someday you would return to us. I could have thrown away those childish dreams of you appearing with that grin on your face and your red, red eyes that said so much when you were silent.

I could have.

But I didn't.

There had been serious objections to a human marrying me, a vampire. Not from anyone Michal knew, of course. He hadn't had any family to know about it. It came from the Round Table, from the Vatican, once from the Queen herself. But Integra was good to us. She turned them all away. But after a while there were mutters of discontent, of him being a favorite, and so Michal (oh, he was so brave and so gallant and so amazing) would go out and fight even more than the others, work harder than the others, come home later than the others, just so that they would leave us alone by ourselves.

You would have liked him, Master. He never gave up. He never surrendered. He never once complained or shirked his duty or was selfish (except when it came to pillows. He'd steal mine in his sleep), but time marched on for him while it stayed still for me, so I had to watch as his body took the tolls, while he accumulated scars, and even though I loved him no less for it and in fact I loved him more, it wore him down bit by bit until he was tired of it all.

He was shot one day in a firefight. The mission was a success and we were leaving, but one dying enemy got one bullet off before I ripped him to pieces.

I still remember holding Michel in my arms, sobbing quietly while he gripped my hand and a beatific smile on his face. He had lines then that he hadn't had before, and his body was aged and worn down. But he was glorious to me, Master. He was faultless.

I could have changed him then- made him into one of us, and we could have stayed together forever. I knew he could tell what I was thinking. He squeezed my hand until I looked at him and then drew me down for one last deep kiss before whispering in my ear "Drink, love".

And I understood then, Master, what you had meant when you called humans beautiful, when you called them magnificent. I drank his blood slowly, and I knew how to do it in a way that gave him only pleasure and no pain. It was a good passing, and he held me until the end, when I carried his body home myself.

He is still with me, as is Pip. They get along fairly well I think. But sometimes I wonder if I should have let him drink my blood and let him be as me.

I could have.

But I didn't.

He was forty-five and looked sixty. I was forty-seven and looked nineteen.

But I loved him, Master. I truly did. Age only made him even more beautiful to me. Just like you once said to the Queen.

That was a year ago, Master. And I'm still here, and so is Integra. Hellsing is strong and powerful now, and Integra has selected an heir from her cousins' children. Everything is here, Master. Except you.

I suppose I could give up now. It's been nearly thirty years and you haven't come back. It's probably hopeless and pointless waiting for you, and beyond all logic to continue this ridiculous farce that you'll return.

I could stop waiting.

I should.

I could.

But I won't.

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><p>And that's that. In case you were curious as to when this story occurs, it's roughly a year before Alucard returns and two years after Michel dies. I tried to make it more of a growing fic than a romance though. I probably failed. But even if I did, I hope you enjoyed it. Compliments and constructive criticism is always welcome.<p> 


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